No! Don't Touch That! That's Dirty!

A gentle reminder that this is a satirical blog. Please don't freak out at me if you feel targeted. You aren't. Move along.

OK. I'll admit it. I'm a mom. I say things that I really shouldn't have to on a daily basis. Some of my favorite gems are: "Did you poo?" "Don't put that in your mouth." "That's the dog's dishes, not yours", etc. While I strongly discourage filth being in and around the Ninja's mouth, she still manages to get it in there, sometimes with gusto. We have been really lucky (knock on wood) and she hasn't been sick that often.

But what makes me laugh really hard, is when I'm at the mall (this was back in the breastfeeding days in the breastfeeding room) and another mom pleads with her child not to touch the floor. But two seconds later, she is encouraging the child to play with the bead roller coaster on the table just above the dinky car mat on the floor (that he was just playing with). So, the thing that the other germ bombs have been merrily wiping who knows what on is OK. But the floor mat which is clean (because it's totally off limits) and there for the expressed purpose of playing with is not OK. I'm not sure I follow.

Dear Tiger Helicopter Dolphin Mom, I get that you want your kid to remain moderately clean when you are out of the house (sometimes playing a game of clothing/diaper roulette and leaving the house sans diaper bag. Newsflash, he/she isn't there yet) and don't want the misery and hassle of the little darling being wet and possibly soiled. But know your surfaces before you go spewing off what is dirty. Do you want the fruit of your perfectly coiffed loins to develop a full blown case of mysophobia? Oh my no! Not another thing to worry about in addition to the 20,000 other things you fret over daily, like how your ass looks in those yoga pants.

Here's my thinking. Wipe the table before her mouth goes on it with a spare wipe. Then I know it's my level of clean. Don't discourage exploration by shouting slanderous remarks about germs. They're natural and make up most of us. Do I encourage gentle play around the toilet? No. But then I have a secret superpower called "common sense." I am not one for walking up to a complete stranger and letting my beliefs, of exposing the children to anything and everything, loose all about her head and ear regions. I'm all about the vaccinations. But I'm also about not worrying every 30 seconds when my kid is about to touch something that is dirty. I do worry about her button pushing habit on the TV box. Not cool Ninja, not cool.

So, if you happen to be one of these parents (and don't need to be because your child is perfectly healthy) then stop. Stop worrying about germs and start worrying about something more pressing. Like the economy. Or how much his tuition is going to cost in 16 years. Or keep it up and continue giving me something to judge and then write about.