Breast Feeding: Fun Bags to Feed Bags

Boys, this is about boobs and the other job they are supposed to do. Apparently they don't just hold shooters, sell beer and help me get out of speeding tickets.

Breast feeding is not a picnic. Sure it helps to bond you to the baby and you get to slow down (read: ignore) your daily tasks. But it is a minefield of engorgement, leakage, wet shirts and saying things like "I need something to increase my milk production" to complete strangers.

My life as a dairy had a bumpy start. From not being told what kind of pump gets things going to being threatened with medication (which made a huge difference) to having my baby pulled off of donor milk because "it's too expensive". The LPNs were on and on about getting the trickle turned into a raging river. Have you seen your doctor about the drugs? Have you tried the tea? Have you hung upside down like a bat? Have you incorporated the services of an old priest and a young priest? Then there was the lactation consultant.

To my lady friends who have a less than ample bosom, lactation consultant is the job for you. All you need is a nipple apparently. I met with a particularly poorly endowed one at the PLC after I had a slow start to the expected raging twin milk eruptions. She stood there and showed me the common sense things I already knew. Thanks YouTube. She daintily pinched at her nipple region to demonstrate how to shoot milk across the room. She moved on to man handling and warm cloths and more man handling. Has your husband got in there and helped? And is the pump attachment the correct size, is she latching properly, blah and blah and more blah. By the time she was finished fiddling with her nipple, I was done. I went to my doctor and got the drugs. Within days I was producing more. Not a huge quantity since my body is wiser than the medical professionals about how much the Ninja needs. I started to feel better about all things milk related.

Once we were away from the heap of inconsistent messages that is the hospital, things got better. Feeding has been easy. Growing was slow to start but has been better over time. Thanks butter! Our timing has gotten better with social interactions. I try to avoid feeding her in public lest someone should notice and say something. Thankfully the hooter hider I employ looks like a giant bib. Eating for the Ninja at a moderately high end restaurant is a snap. No one has said anything so far. I'm not sure if it's because they are too shocked or just don't care. But if you wait on us without speaking out, you will get a larger tip. Sass me and I'll drop that to 10%.

So here's what I have learned in six months of being a Boobie Bistro:

1. After a cold c section, things don't just start up. Those sweater cows may feel engorged but they're just kidding.
2. Colostrum is liquid gold. Don't spill it or drop it or fail to capture it. You have been warned. Ring your shirt out if need be.
3. You can't breast feed a baby with a feeding tube in her mouth.
4. Nurses have their opinions, LPNs have opinions and lactation consultants have their opinions. None are consistent. Take what is useful and discard the rest.
5. As soon as you sit down to eat, if the child has not yet been fed, you will not be eating first. Baby eats first.
6. If the above happens and you're stubborn like I am when it comes to eating, cover the baby so there are no food stains on the clothes.
7. Eating happens everywhere. Embrace it.
8. Bébé Au Lait makes a good cover. Get two.
9. There is no need to be an asshole about feeding your baby.
10. Be patient. The dairy will open eventually.