12 Days of Hospital Fun - How Am I Doing?

Time actually flies when you're this bored. I have managed to occupy my time with reading, sewing, word searches, Netflix, visitors and sleeping. Even with all of these great activities, I still have periods of complete and utter boredom. The best part of the stay and the boredom is that I don't feel guilty about doing nothing. 

I think a lot of people are actually wondering about my feelings through this process. The ones that I do share my feelings with (which is rare) may think that I am cold or perhaps not taking the situation seriously. Or that I am just barely coping in my own way (which if you know me, you would know better). I would like to hope that there are no assumptions of me being a snivelling mess. 

Feelings. I do have them. I guess the easiest way to describe my feelings towards life and all things that what would crush and utterly destroy one person generally doesn't effect me the same way. Sure I tear up watching The Biggest Loser. But when it comes to my life as a whole, not much gets under my skin. I don't bother worrying about things or dwelling on the past. Fretting, to me, is something that you do to a guitar. 

How did I get to be so rock like in my ability to be rational? Bullshit. Lots and lots of bullshit. It took me a long time to lose the pettiness and jealousy of my early 20s. A divorce helped to lower my threshold for assholes and bullshit in my life, while raising the standards of the people I voluntarily let in. My EMS career provided me the ability to look objectively at a bad situation, find the good, acknowledge the bad and move on with life. No dwelling. Few regrets. Being married to a guy who has an eerie calm about him most of the time also helps. Sometimes his eerie calm disappears, but not often and only for a second or two.

Fast forward to now. How am I coping? Like I always do. Through education, intelligent questions and communication with those who hold the information. Accepting that they are not going to give me the wrong information and that they are thinking and acting in our best interests. I accept that although this can be considered a precarious situation, it's not one to fret about. That's why the specialists who are taking care of me make the big bucks; to worry about what I am not going to. 

This is why I reiterate in conversations that I hope for the best, know the worst and keep my expectations relatively low. It's those who walk around with an unreasonable level of expectations, that get crushed on a regular basis. Those people who find out they are pregnant and have the nursery set up in the first trimester. I wouldn't let any baby related paraphernalia into the house until after the foetus became viable. The baby clothes and toys started to flood in from my circle of friends and family with 2012/2013 babies, but it took me until last Friday to actually make my first purchase for the baby; a dinosaur mobile.

The longer I stay pregnant, the more real I am allowing the baby to become. Right now she is someone I see through a weekly scan, hear twice daily on the fetal monitor and am at the mercy of her little bony body kicking and punching to remind me that there is a developing human inside of me. Or I assume she's human. I assume that there was no face hugger involved in the making of this pregnancy. 

We have a name for her. I used it a couple of times to see if it fit. It seems to. Given her ability to deliver a roundhouse kick to my bladder at 3:00am, "the Ninja" seems vastly more appropriate than the name that will be on her birth certificate.

So, how am I coping? Just fine. Really. No faking. No lump in my throat. No tightness in my chest. No worries keeping me up at night. What keeps me up at night? Reading or Netflix, cause I don't have to be anywhere but here in the morning.